Simone Says: What possesses someone to cheat and should you forgive them?
Say a man here in Singapore is engaged, but his fiancé is far away in London and will not be moving here for another couple of years. Unexpectantly one night, he gets very drunk and cannot control himself and confesses that he has had an affair with another woman which he describes as “an unimportant one-night only transgression”.
He also reveals that since proposing, he has become nervous about the reality that he will be committing to “one woman for the rest of his life”. Furthermore, his girlfriend has yet to actually accept the physical ring and thus he feels that until she does, he is not technically engaged.
Do you say something to the fiancé? I’ve seen my girlfriends go through this from the other side, finding condoms in their boyfriend’s blazer pockets when they’ve returned from trips away.
Tell Us: Have you ever been cheated on? Have you yourself ever cheated? Tell me how you found out and if you really wanted to know in the end?
You can leave a comment here or e-mail us at tnpshow@sph.com.sg Don’t forget to leave us your contact details: name, age, occupation and e-mail address or telephone number.
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LETTERS VIA E-MAIL
I have never been cheated in a relationship.With all due respect, each lady i have been with are not particularly well endowed on the looks fronts but possess some wonderful qualities that are obvious with a period of mutual understanding. Their looks, or the lack of it is inherently a good thing because they attract less attention from the opposite sex and let’s face it, the better someone looks,the more likely he or she will face temptations.My ex-girlfriends are no eye candy and will not make ideal one night stand targets.That, and their good characters enabled me to enjoy several scandal free relationships.
In the event if i ever get cheated, how i feel and whether i want to find out will hinge on whether the situation is before or after marriage.
If it is before marriage, the tinge of woe and sorrow will be lessened by the fact that neither of us has made a life long commitment to each another and this inevitable split up will probably do both of us more good than bad. At the very least we are not burdened by shared homes, families and children. I refuse to resume a relationship with an unfaithful partner. In this circumstance, i certainly want to know and a clean break is on the cards.
Not every situation can be quite as ideal. In the event that i am being cheated upon after marriage, things are much more complicated.Monetary issues such as houses and car loans can be back breaking but this is nothing compared to the trauma competing for the children’s custody. This is painful and draggy for both child and parents alike. Desperate situation calls for desperate solutions. A better way may be to keep the marriage going for the sake of the child. This is by no means desirable, just less painful for the child.
Who knows, the child may be the catalyst for the cheating partner to turn over a new leaf? I can foresee myself keeping it alive if i find myself in this tragic scenario. After all ,the child is not responsible for a cheating partner’s Infidelity,so why should the child pay the price for this venomous big ‘C’ ? In this circumstance ,it may be better to be unaware and to lead a blissful marriage while it lasts. One more year to the inevitable truth is one more year for the child to mature and hopefully deal with the subject better. Adults!
Peng Tie Lun, 26, tutor
I have been in this relationship for coming 3yrs and it is a logn distance relationship because I am studying. Since last year(2006), my ex-girlfriend whom is my soon-to-be fiancee cheated on me twice. The first time it happened was right under my nose when I was in Singapore for holidays. She met this online guy while playing an online game and both of them clicked. I suspected something is not right and questioned her but all she told me was she knew this guy since her poly days. I did not believe her and soon enough, the truth spilled out as I caught her telling that guy in the game that she does not wants to be with him anymore. At that moment, I was really angry and asked her why did she cheat me. All she said was they were online friends. We had a fair share of quarrels regarding this and at the end of the day, because I loved her too much, I forgave her. Then the 2nd time happened. Few days before I am going back to Melbourne for my studies, I was out with my family for dinner. I received an sms from her informing me that she is meeting her friend for dinner. She told me that she is with her guy friend and his girlfriend at Holland Village. Later on, she smsed me informing me that the guy’s girlfriend went home and didnt feel like coming out again and therefore, it was just my ex-girlfriend and the guy. I was alittle suspicious because the message was very strange indeed. But I told myself to trust her, therefore I just gave her a benefit of a doubt. The next day we met up at Jurong Point and after dinner, I told her I want to go to the gents. So coincientally,the Gents was cleaning in progress so I made a U-turn and went back to find her. I saw her walking around and wanted to scare her from behind. So I walked behind her but I saw something which I was not supposed to see. I saw her messaging- Why you so quiet? and she pressed the number of the recipient. I was shocked, infact totally numb. She turned round and saw me and asked why am I so quiet. Initially, I didnt want to question her because I wanted to treat it as a dream. But humans are humans. We cant control it, therefore I questioned her. She denied sending a message and I asked her to see her Sent Box in her phone. When she saw, she got stunned and told me that she wanted to message me to play with me. Who would believe this? Firstly, at that moment, we dated for almost 2yrs and my number and the recipient’s number is not similar at all. She kept denying and said she merely just messaged wrongly. Knowing that I didnt take in her reasons, she flared at me initially. I sent her home and gave her another chance to explain herself when we were at her void deck. She denied and flared at me saying that I didnt believe her and she even took off the couple ring and threw it on the floor and stormed off. I went to find back the ring and found it, messaged her that if she really treasures us, she should come down and find back the ring. She did came down to find the ring but to no avail because the ring was already with me. I told her to come and find me and she ran to me in tears. Truly, I forgave her because I could feel she meant it at that time. But it didnt end there. The next day, she told me her colleague’s dad came to her house to pick her up and it was so sudden. She didnt allow me to call her or whatsoever and I suspected again. Sure enough, I asked her parents and her parents told me that a guy was picking her up and sending her home. I questioned her again and she denied, telling me that the guy is her friend. But who on earth is so kind to wake up so early, fetch her to work and then go back to camp and send her home again? I dont believe in such thing about having such kind friend, nobody does. We kept quarrelling till I went back Melbourne and when I came back last year November, she begged and cried, asking me to forgive her once more, promising me that she will not do it again as I caught her making friends in MIRC and such. I forgave her again and again because I loved her and cant bear to leave her alone. This year 2007, I was again made a fool. She dated another guy behind my back and lied to me that she met up with a female colleague. How did I know? Because on the day she met with her “female colleague”, she didnt want to speak with me and at the same time, it was rather late and I was worried so I called all the way from Melbourne to ask where she was. She told me that her “female colleague” was rebonding her hair and she waited for her till now (about 9+pm). But her tone sounded strange as it sounded like when she was on the phone lyng to her mother at times. On that very night, we broke up for the reason, she doesnt love me anymore. Everything happened so sudden and coincidently and the next 2 days, she has another boyfriend.
For me, I will never forgive her ever again as I have given her ample chances to change but she didnt. She has restricted me from talking even to my female buddies during our time together or even listening to female artistes songs whom she felt is prettier than her! On my side, I never stop her from contacting her old friends as I believe it is everyone’s freedom to have their own friends. Soon enough, my friends left me but luckily for me, I still have 5 very great friends with me, supporting me. For me, the way I am able to find out when my partner cheats on me was when she behaved rather strangely. We were together for nearly 3yrs, therefore we can more or less feel changes in your another half when there is. I dont say that I am a perfect guy. Because I myself did try to know new people when she and me just started. But I am sure with myself that I try to know new people as normal friends and not more than that because I always believe that I cannot be so greedy.
Iceberg
